Snuggie!

“Snuggies are much more useful if you place your legs through the arm holes!”

GUESS WHAT?!?! Last night I won a… a, a, A SNUGGIE!!! Actually it was a Snuggie Deluxe, but that makes the news twice as awesome. Every Tuesday night for the past handful of weeks a group of friends and I have attended Trivial Night at State Bar & Grill on Webster. And every Tuesday night we are disappointed by our underperformance throughout the Trivia round, and by our lack of luck in the end of night raffle. Until now! This past Tuesday my best friend did it! In her hand she held the token, the crown, the golden ticket if you will. As with the other nights we waited in suspense as the numbers were called… 2-2-5-9-6-0----5!!! Up jumped Jackie, “I won!” Unfortunately for her, aka me, all she had won was a measly $10 iTunes gift card. This card could never compare to the warmth and comfort that comes with owning a Sunggie blanket, which is one of the many other raffle giveaways. I devised a plan. We would trade up! So I grabbed the gift card, walked straight over to the winning table, and the following conversation ensued…

Me: (with a sly yet sleazy grin on my face) “Have you ever heard of the show Lets Make a Deal?”

Poor Sucker Girl: “ummm, yea.”

Me: “Well, I have a $10 iTunes gift card. What do you have?”

Poor Sucker Girl: “uhh, a Snuggie?”

Me: “Exactly!”

As I uttered the last syllable, the valuable Snuggie Deluxe was simply handed over to me as if it was a piece of trash, and I passed along the tunes card without a flinch. I smiled in triumph, for we were now the proud owners of a tremendous ocean blue Snuggie! I now have everything a girl could ever ask for…. Except a Sham wOw of course.

New jobbbb...

Now that I am steps away from graduation, I have finally decided what I want to do with the rest of my life!!!! I want to be a receptionist… wellll. Okay, you got me, I don’t want to be a receptionist forever, but it is the new gig my long time employer just placed me in, and to tell the truth it isn’t all that bad. I mean, I don’t expect young girls to start running around telling people that “when they grow up” they want to be receptionists, but I find it to be a quite satisfying position for a newly graduated 22 year old. My basic responsibilities include answering the phone, ordering snacks/supplies, as well as accepting sending and sorting mail, all of which most minimally trained monkeys hold the ability to do. Other tasks of mine consist of answering questions, greeting guests, completing daily tasks for the firm partners, all while also carrying on with my old duties of being a media intern. After this explanation it is easy to see that my new job cannot be encapsulated by the simple yet tedious description “receptionist.” Instead, much more is needed. This brought me to the idea that I need to create a new title for the many a girls that are bound to sit in my position throughout the years. Many words came to mind including “bestest helper ever,” “hottest girl in the office,” even “do you need something?” made the list. I finally came to the conclusion that my job title should be CEO, but was rudely informed that that name had already been issued. All in all the simple title of receptionist will have to stick for the time being. At least until the next flighty girl falls into my rolly chair, or until CEO opens up.

Graduation...

As my undergraduate graduation draws nearer, I am starting to have doubts on the “point” of college. Yes, everyone says that going to a university prepares us for our future, prepares us for a “career”, but does it? With Graduation less than a month away, I must ask myself if the 4 years, $90K plus, and the major mistreatment of my liver was all worth it? Without the handful of valuable internships I’ve completed, would I really be ready to prevail in the workforce? Especially in these times of distress, does college enable you to succeed in your chosen profession? Let alone land a job!

Luckily I have landed a fulltime position with the firm that presented me with a lucrative internship 2 years ago, but what about everyone else? What about those who aced college, and can’t find a thing to show for it but a piece of fancy diploma paper? Do they suck it up and move back in with their parents? Which in many cases, including mine, is not an option. Do they sink deeper and deeper into debt by “investing” in graduate school? Yes, these are both options, but leave no time to solidify the fact that you belong in the profession that, in most cases, was selected during your first year in school.

I think the best answer to this dilemma is that, in reality, college isn’t intended to prepare you for a career, job, or success. College is intended to prepare you for the ins and outs of life. College excites, stresses, ruins, completes, irritates, pleases, and most of all strengthens an individual in ways that can only be described as unique. It allows us all a chance to bust out of our comfort zone and, as cliché as it sounds, be the best we can be. It also allows us to drink as much beer as a single body can handle, while simultaneously hooking up with complete strangers, but that is a different story.

Congratulations and most of all good luck to all of my fellow grads… You’ll need it! 

What? I like to pole dance...

People who know me, know I ‘totes loves’ country music. These people also know that my second love is the city of Chicago. As a tribute to my ‘not so second place’ city, I would like to dedicate this new rendition of Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA to the windy city! Enjoy J

I hopped off the plane at ORD

with a dream and a bag of weed.

Welcome to the land of ball and booze

hell yeah I’m gunna fit in.

Jumped in the cab here I am for the first time.

Look to my right and see the Wrigley field sign.

This is all so crazy, everybody seems so normal

My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda hungry

Too much great food and I'm starving.

That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio

And the Kanye song was on

And the Kanye song was on

And the Kanye song was on

CHORUS:

So I put my hands up

They're playing my song

The butterflies fly away

Noddin' my head like yeah

Moving my hips like yeah

I got my hands up

They're playin’ my song

I know I'm gonna be ok

Yeah, It's a party in the USA

Yeah, It's a party in the USA

Get to the bar in my checker cab

Everybody's lookin’ at that girl

Like “who’s that chick, that’s rockin' Knicks?

She’s gotta be from out of town”

So fun with my girls not around me

This is definitely a Chicago party

Cause' all I see are stilletos

I guess I got the right memo

My tummys turnin cause I'm feelin like I love it

Zero pressure and I’m not nervous

That's when the D.J. dropped my favorite tune

And Fall out boy was on

And Fall out boy was on

And Fall out boy was on

CHORUS

Feel like ditching that last flight ( that last flight)

Stay in this chill town tonight (town tonight)

Something pulls me everytime (everytime)

The DJ plays my song and I feel so right!

CHORUS

Yeah (Yeah), It's a party in the USA

Yeah (hahaha), It's a party in the USA (Party in the USA!)

Zombieland...

This past weekend, while in a state of inebriation, I had the pleasure of watching the comical yet slightly disturbing movie, Zombieland. The movie is based on a young man from Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) trying to make his way back to Ohio with the “help” of a gun slinging redneck (Woody Harrelson) from Tallahassee. Throughout the film Columbus enlightens us to a list of rules he has devised in order to survive Zombieland. The entire list of 33 regulations is not provided during the movie, but the audience does receive upwards of 17 statutes. These include #1: Cardio, #4 Wear Seatbelts, #21: Avoid Strip Clubs, #31: Check the Backseat, and, a personal favorite, #8: Get a Kickass Partner, hence the presence of Tallahassee. Below is the full list offered up throughout the film…

#1.Cardio #2.Double Tap #3.Beware of Bathrooms #4.Wear Seatbelts #6.Cast Iron Skillet #7.Travel Light #8.Get a Kickass Partner #12.Bounty Paper Towels #15.Bowling Ball #17.(Don’t) be a Hero #18.Limber Up #21.Avoid Strip Clubs #22.When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out #29.The Buddy System #31.Check the Back Seat #32.Enjoy the Little Things #33.Swiss Army Knife

From the beginning of the movie I felt the urge to make my own list of rules. Not necessarily a list on how to survive in a world that has been completely overrun by flesh eating monsters, but possibly some other social setting that causes angst for citizens of our great world. I then realized that I had a duty to the universe. A duty to share what I have learned during the endless hours I spend ‘out.’ Below is my list of rules for surviving various bars, saloons, pubs and clubs …

#1. Cardio – dance like its Madonna’s last show, and be prepared to run away from the guy who bought you that first tequila shot.

#2. Double Tap – never attend a bar that doesn’t have at least a double tap. No double tap, no beer.

#3. Beware of Bathrooms – do not touch ANYTHING in the bathrooms. Don’t be fooled. Even a powder room that seems up to sanitary standards probably isn’t. Think quickies, monthly gifts, and the ever-present vom monster.

#4. Wear Jeans – a skirt might seem like a good idea when looking in the mirror, but it’ll have quite a different look when you are dancing atop the bar after that 3^rd tequila shot.

#6. Cast Iron Skillet – food is a necessity. The more you eat the easier it will be in the morning. Note: McDonald’s is your best friend.

#7. Travel Light – obvi, just a clutch gal. You do not need a bundle of powder or lipstick. Guys get ‘beer goggles’ for a reason. Make the best of it!

#8. Get a Kickass Partner – everyone needs a good wingman… wingwomen.

#12. Bounty Paper Towels – vodka tonics shattered across the dance floor won’t help your moves, promise. (see rule #1)

#15. Bowling Ball – true, betting is a great form of flirting. However, if you bring a personal ball to Lucky Strike, you will definitely be ‘striking’ out.

#17. (Don’t) be a Hero – Guys, fighting over a girl is déclassé. Win her heart with shots of liquor, not left hooks to a strangers jaw.

#18. Limber Up – get ready for a marathon of a night. Drinking, dancing, screaming, fighting, drinking, dancing... night cap ‘wink wink.’ Remember to stretch well in advance.

#21. Avoid Strip Clubs – enough said.

#22. When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out – always have an escape plan. You never know when an ex will corner you. In this case get yourself out first, once safe, contact wingman.

#29. The Buddy System – remember you have a wingman for a reason. They are an unlimited scapegoat. Take advantage, and stay in pairs.

#31. Check the back seat – rookie mistake to leave your phone, purse, coat, even date in the back of a cab. I urge you, check the backseat.

#32. Enjoy the Little Things – shots, wings, fries etc.

#33. Swiss Army Knife – ya never know when you’ll need to snip a stray thread, pluck your eyebrows (beware of rule #3), or give guys wondering hands a true warning.

…By now you have undoubtedly noticed that only 1 of the original rules was changed in order to relate this list to a social drinking environment. I though this was my chance to offer truly uplifting insights into real life situations and help shy singles all over, but it’s done. The list is done. What does that tell us? That night after night we voluntarily step in to a ‘Zombieland’ of sorts for fun? Hey, if the end of the world is going to be like one giant bar party… count me in! Shots. shots. shots. shots.

Don’t talk to strangers…

We are all told from a young age not to talk to and in most cases to stay away from strangers. I understand that this is a necessary rule for children, due to their vulnerability and seemingly gullibility, but I believe there needs to be some kind of age limit set on this childhood regulation. Say, once a person hits, I don’t know 18, the stranger rule is null and void. Living on my own for the past 4 years, I have learned that some of the greatest people I come in contact with are in fact complete strangers at first. Thankfully, I have a strong aptitude for judging who I should and shouldn’t chat with, but I find that many people my age are uneasy about talking to any stranger whatsoever.


This thought came to mind when my roommate and I were discussing our genuine ability to make friends with anyone. Yeah yeah, I know it sounds cliché, “friends with everyone,” but it is true! Without fail each and every time we venture out for a day or night on the town, we wind up making friends with some unsuspecting bartender, waitress, house siding salesman, business owner, possible rap artists etc. Just Last Thursday while dinning at Sunda Sushi downtown, we were introduced to Billy Dec, the owner and manager of not only Sunda, but various other bars and eateries around Chicago. That same night we had the honor of meeting Chicago’s ex-cornerback Jerry Azumah along with an older man who looked remarkably similar to Sting. (Which is a great story in and of itself). This is just one example, but this type of occurrence happens each weekend. It is as if we are magnets for interesting sometimes well-known people. With that said, we also know the entire staff and management of Moe’s Cantina, John Barleycorn Wrigleyville, River Shannon’s Pub, and 6 Degrees Bar in Bucktown. Meaning, this “friends with everyone” theory could be in part due to our slight alcohol intake issue. I’ll let you decide for yourself…

NCAA March Melodrama…

Madness, Mayhem, or Melodrama
Currently, I find myself completely consumed by brackets, baskets, and … balls? (Get your minds out of the gutter!) The NCAA championship tournament, which takes place over the period of 2-3 weeks each spring, is the Christmas morning for avid gamblers. There are only a select number of days each year which allow them to evade the ever present “addict” label. ie. The Kentucky Derby, Super Bowl, Indy 500, etc. March Madness also opens the floor to rare gamblers such as myself to place a few wagers here and there. I mean, with a friendly work pool lurking around every corner it is no wonder why this tournament brings out the Vegas in us all.

One of the biggest hazards of MM tends to be the ever likely “upset.” This is a common occurrence due to the presence of extreme pressure, basketballs fast paced nature, and the long debated, completely unperfected, ranking system. This tends to end in an underdog winning it all while running off the confidence fumes of a major upset early in the competition.

Personally I don’t take too fondly of this whole ‘lowest ranked team’ can possibly win the whole shebang. Cinderella is a “fairytale” for a reason; it’s not supposed to actually happen. However, it is relieving that since the tournament was created in 1939, no #1 ranked team has ever lost to a #16 team in opening round play. If that ever happens, I personally give anyone the permission to throw me off the Sears :cough: Willis :cough: Tower Sky Deck.

While we all wait on the edge of our seats, and in some cases fold of our wallets, for April 5th to roll around. Good luck to everyone risking a coin or two (or100K) on the coming games. Don’t worry; I’m sure you will be able to make next month’s mortgage payment with or without your NCAA winnings. And hey, if you can’t, I hear good old Uncle Sam is giving hand outs nowadays.

Note: I have Syracuse to win it all with a tie breaker of 133. Please, don’t laugh when I lose my $25 bucks. On the other hand, in the rare case that I prevail, don’t be bitter when I collect my winnings. : )