Zombieland...

This past weekend, while in a state of inebriation, I had the pleasure of watching the comical yet slightly disturbing movie, Zombieland. The movie is based on a young man from Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) trying to make his way back to Ohio with the “help” of a gun slinging redneck (Woody Harrelson) from Tallahassee. Throughout the film Columbus enlightens us to a list of rules he has devised in order to survive Zombieland. The entire list of 33 regulations is not provided during the movie, but the audience does receive upwards of 17 statutes. These include #1: Cardio, #4 Wear Seatbelts, #21: Avoid Strip Clubs, #31: Check the Backseat, and, a personal favorite, #8: Get a Kickass Partner, hence the presence of Tallahassee. Below is the full list offered up throughout the film…

#1.Cardio #2.Double Tap #3.Beware of Bathrooms #4.Wear Seatbelts #6.Cast Iron Skillet #7.Travel Light #8.Get a Kickass Partner #12.Bounty Paper Towels #15.Bowling Ball #17.(Don’t) be a Hero #18.Limber Up #21.Avoid Strip Clubs #22.When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out #29.The Buddy System #31.Check the Back Seat #32.Enjoy the Little Things #33.Swiss Army Knife

From the beginning of the movie I felt the urge to make my own list of rules. Not necessarily a list on how to survive in a world that has been completely overrun by flesh eating monsters, but possibly some other social setting that causes angst for citizens of our great world. I then realized that I had a duty to the universe. A duty to share what I have learned during the endless hours I spend ‘out.’ Below is my list of rules for surviving various bars, saloons, pubs and clubs …

#1. Cardio – dance like its Madonna’s last show, and be prepared to run away from the guy who bought you that first tequila shot.

#2. Double Tap – never attend a bar that doesn’t have at least a double tap. No double tap, no beer.

#3. Beware of Bathrooms – do not touch ANYTHING in the bathrooms. Don’t be fooled. Even a powder room that seems up to sanitary standards probably isn’t. Think quickies, monthly gifts, and the ever-present vom monster.

#4. Wear Jeans – a skirt might seem like a good idea when looking in the mirror, but it’ll have quite a different look when you are dancing atop the bar after that 3^rd tequila shot.

#6. Cast Iron Skillet – food is a necessity. The more you eat the easier it will be in the morning. Note: McDonald’s is your best friend.

#7. Travel Light – obvi, just a clutch gal. You do not need a bundle of powder or lipstick. Guys get ‘beer goggles’ for a reason. Make the best of it!

#8. Get a Kickass Partner – everyone needs a good wingman… wingwomen.

#12. Bounty Paper Towels – vodka tonics shattered across the dance floor won’t help your moves, promise. (see rule #1)

#15. Bowling Ball – true, betting is a great form of flirting. However, if you bring a personal ball to Lucky Strike, you will definitely be ‘striking’ out.

#17. (Don’t) be a Hero – Guys, fighting over a girl is déclassé. Win her heart with shots of liquor, not left hooks to a strangers jaw.

#18. Limber Up – get ready for a marathon of a night. Drinking, dancing, screaming, fighting, drinking, dancing... night cap ‘wink wink.’ Remember to stretch well in advance.

#21. Avoid Strip Clubs – enough said.

#22. When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out – always have an escape plan. You never know when an ex will corner you. In this case get yourself out first, once safe, contact wingman.

#29. The Buddy System – remember you have a wingman for a reason. They are an unlimited scapegoat. Take advantage, and stay in pairs.

#31. Check the back seat – rookie mistake to leave your phone, purse, coat, even date in the back of a cab. I urge you, check the backseat.

#32. Enjoy the Little Things – shots, wings, fries etc.

#33. Swiss Army Knife – ya never know when you’ll need to snip a stray thread, pluck your eyebrows (beware of rule #3), or give guys wondering hands a true warning.

…By now you have undoubtedly noticed that only 1 of the original rules was changed in order to relate this list to a social drinking environment. I though this was my chance to offer truly uplifting insights into real life situations and help shy singles all over, but it’s done. The list is done. What does that tell us? That night after night we voluntarily step in to a ‘Zombieland’ of sorts for fun? Hey, if the end of the world is going to be like one giant bar party… count me in! Shots. shots. shots. shots.

Don’t talk to strangers…

We are all told from a young age not to talk to and in most cases to stay away from strangers. I understand that this is a necessary rule for children, due to their vulnerability and seemingly gullibility, but I believe there needs to be some kind of age limit set on this childhood regulation. Say, once a person hits, I don’t know 18, the stranger rule is null and void. Living on my own for the past 4 years, I have learned that some of the greatest people I come in contact with are in fact complete strangers at first. Thankfully, I have a strong aptitude for judging who I should and shouldn’t chat with, but I find that many people my age are uneasy about talking to any stranger whatsoever.


This thought came to mind when my roommate and I were discussing our genuine ability to make friends with anyone. Yeah yeah, I know it sounds cliché, “friends with everyone,” but it is true! Without fail each and every time we venture out for a day or night on the town, we wind up making friends with some unsuspecting bartender, waitress, house siding salesman, business owner, possible rap artists etc. Just Last Thursday while dinning at Sunda Sushi downtown, we were introduced to Billy Dec, the owner and manager of not only Sunda, but various other bars and eateries around Chicago. That same night we had the honor of meeting Chicago’s ex-cornerback Jerry Azumah along with an older man who looked remarkably similar to Sting. (Which is a great story in and of itself). This is just one example, but this type of occurrence happens each weekend. It is as if we are magnets for interesting sometimes well-known people. With that said, we also know the entire staff and management of Moe’s Cantina, John Barleycorn Wrigleyville, River Shannon’s Pub, and 6 Degrees Bar in Bucktown. Meaning, this “friends with everyone” theory could be in part due to our slight alcohol intake issue. I’ll let you decide for yourself…

NCAA March Melodrama…

Madness, Mayhem, or Melodrama
Currently, I find myself completely consumed by brackets, baskets, and … balls? (Get your minds out of the gutter!) The NCAA championship tournament, which takes place over the period of 2-3 weeks each spring, is the Christmas morning for avid gamblers. There are only a select number of days each year which allow them to evade the ever present “addict” label. ie. The Kentucky Derby, Super Bowl, Indy 500, etc. March Madness also opens the floor to rare gamblers such as myself to place a few wagers here and there. I mean, with a friendly work pool lurking around every corner it is no wonder why this tournament brings out the Vegas in us all.

One of the biggest hazards of MM tends to be the ever likely “upset.” This is a common occurrence due to the presence of extreme pressure, basketballs fast paced nature, and the long debated, completely unperfected, ranking system. This tends to end in an underdog winning it all while running off the confidence fumes of a major upset early in the competition.

Personally I don’t take too fondly of this whole ‘lowest ranked team’ can possibly win the whole shebang. Cinderella is a “fairytale” for a reason; it’s not supposed to actually happen. However, it is relieving that since the tournament was created in 1939, no #1 ranked team has ever lost to a #16 team in opening round play. If that ever happens, I personally give anyone the permission to throw me off the Sears :cough: Willis :cough: Tower Sky Deck.

While we all wait on the edge of our seats, and in some cases fold of our wallets, for April 5th to roll around. Good luck to everyone risking a coin or two (or100K) on the coming games. Don’t worry; I’m sure you will be able to make next month’s mortgage payment with or without your NCAA winnings. And hey, if you can’t, I hear good old Uncle Sam is giving hand outs nowadays.

Note: I have Syracuse to win it all with a tie breaker of 133. Please, don’t laugh when I lose my $25 bucks. On the other hand, in the rare case that I prevail, don’t be bitter when I collect my winnings. : )

Will the real St. Patty please stand up…

Walking into work today wearing an appropriately festive green and white plaid blouse, I realized I was missing a large chunk of Celtic knowledge. Aside from the green beer, corned beef & cabbage, and shamrock décor festivities of St. Patrick’s Day, I had no awareness to the actual facts behind this passionate celebration. Since I was little I have merrily commemorated this day by wearing green, plucking clovers, and in more recent times consuming my fair share of alcoholic beverages. I have even attended the dying of the Chicago river numerous times, but never did I stop to ask myself Who is Saint Patrick?, Why was he important?, What is his association with Ireland? Per usual, I must have been too consumed (wasted) with the excitement of the day, and not so much with the context. So today, I read up on this very green holiday.


Long story short St. Patrick’s Day is an originally Catholic celebration of the patron saint of Ireland. Born into a very wealthy and godly British family around the 5th century, Patrick had long standing family connections to the Catholic Church. At the age of 16 he was captured and enslaved in Ireland. Able to flee captivity, he returned to Britian where he began his mission toward priesthood. Eventually he was called back to Ireland to lead the Irish, both rich and poor into a Catholic lifestyle. It is my guess that he succeeded considering the million and two times I have heard people reffered to as “Irish-Catholic” in my great city of Chicago.

The shamrock, rather than the “lucky” four-leaf clover, graces March 17th as a beloved symbol because Patrick used it as a tool to teach the idea of Holy Trinity to the Irish people. One leaf each for the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Green is also associated with St. Patrick due to the many shades of green that grace clovers, as well as the ribbons wore in the 17th century to celebrate his death.

I hope you feel at least one Leprechaun step more informed after reading this, I know I do. Now go out there and celebrate the day of St. Patrick. As the saying goes “Patty’s Day- Everyone’s Irish on March 17th.”

Gaga googoo…

Walking into my 3^rd floor apartment this afternoon, I almost ralphed as my eyes were drawn to the 14 Cosmopolitan magazines flaunted across my coffee table. Month after month, without fail my roommate or I dish out the $4.29 for this 220-page packet of chick. I mean, God forbid we have a subscription to this trash.  Really, it is much less humiliating to continuously purchase each edition at one of the 20ish CVS locations in the loop, rather than having it delivered to our front door. Doubtful.

Each months issue is altered just enough from the one prior, to convince us that we can in no way live without it. The headlining celebrity alone, be it Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, or Lindsay Lohan (circa April 2006), manipulates us to drool at the pure thought of reading its contents.  I must say my favorite part is the bold sexual headline that graces each new cover. “The sex article we can’t describe here”, “100% Hotter Sex”, or my personal favorite, “What he’s thinking during sex.” When did we become such slores? Why do we feel the need to read through endless oral sex tips, embarrassing moments, and diets clues? It must be that we find our own lives inadequate to those of the featured beauties. Which is hard to believe considering what has occurred in the last handful of weekend’s… blackouts, plan

B, broken ribs, mysterious receipts…

That said, the newest issue of this women’s handbook, features a barley clad Lady Gaga. Its contents include the usual facts, figures, and tools to improve our femininity and sexual appeal. Thanks, but no thanks. I rather not take tips from Gaga on how to ‘attract’ men, let alone ‘dress for success.’ Remember she did just poison Tyrese with Beyonce’s ‘honey’ in her Telephone video, and wore what looked like a lace crawfish to the VMA’s. Trust me, I rather take dating advice from gold medal mother Dina Lohan.

With a dream and my cardigan…

Per usual, my roommate and I were running amuck in Wrigleyville this weekend to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day when the unbelievable happened. As we turned to continue up the stairs from the basement bathrooms of Casey Moran’s, a seemingly ‘normal’ guy yelled, “Look it’s Miley Cyrus!” and pointed in our direction. Completely bewildered, we both immediately looked behind us figuring that there was no chance in hell that he was talking about one of us. It turns out, he was. This non-attractive definitely ineligible bachelor was indeed referring to me, as Miley Cyrus, the 17 year old ex Disney Channel/Hannah Montana star and daughter of Billy Ray. Let it be known that aside from the long dark brunette hair, there is a very limited physical resemblance between janky toothed Cyrus and me. Also, she is obviously under the legal drinking age of 21. I mean I know they do things a little different in Tennessee, but they do not allow 17 year olds into bars, especially on holiday weekends. That aside, what was this guy thinking?!? I have come up with two possible answers to what could have been running through his Styrofoam ball of a head. First, maybe he thought I idolized her, and that referring to me as the mighty Cyrus would give him a one way ticket into my pants? Doubtful, yet believable from a twenty-something skeeze-ball at Casey’s. Second, he might have been hallucinating due to all of the bright green t-shirts, Mardi Gras beads, and beer that he actually believed I was the one and only Nashville teen star. Either way, I guess I will take it as a complement, and remember to dye my hair back light ASAP.

Green Beer Day Chicago...

Yes, here in Chicago, along with most other towns in the USA, we celebrate the remarkable holiday of St. Patrick’s Day by binge drinking on the Saturday before. It has become a favorite day to many city dwellers of all ages, and is regarded a time to let loose, wear green, and make-out with random strangers. (you people know who you are) I was appalled when the @drinktown twitter feed, dedicated to highlighting phenomenal drink and food specials around town, posted a tweet stating, “A lot of people in Chicago don’t realize that today IS NOT St. Patrick’s Day- Saturday is just a convenient day for a parade in Chicago.” Like, you think we don’t realize that?!? Of course we all know that Wednesday the 17th is truly the Celtic holiday, but who can consume gallons upon gallons of green beer on a Wednesday? Let alone the buckets of Irish Car-Bombs that are continuously handed around. I mean seriously, just because we play raging alcoholics on the weekends, doesn’t mean that we don’t know how to flip on the respectable adult light Monday through Friday afternoon. Plus, it would be quite suspicious if nearly 3 million people all called out of work on Wednesday, and happened to wind up nursing their “sickness” at the local Irish Pub… With that said, I will be calling out of work on Wednesday to commemorate my Irish heritage one more time and shove it to @drinktown. :P Happy Patty’s Day