Back to Basics…

This blog originated as a stage to highlight my sardine (ditzy) moments to the public. With that in mind I am going to get back to basics, and provide you with the three consecutive idiocies that managed to leap from my mouth this weekend.

Friday, while deciding on a lunch venue, my coworkers and I were torn between I Dream of Falafel, a Mediterranean wonderland of fried food, and Freshii Salads, a posh create your own salad/wrap joint.  While pondering the two options I added in the argument that I prefer to get Freshii because I don’t trust food from, and I quote, “Falafel-Land” because I don’t even know where that is. This statement was immediately followed by laughter and the rolling of a particular coworker’s eyes. She enjoyed the comment so much that she then proceeded to place it on her Facebook status. Moral of the story, Falafels are simply a Mediterranean food with no particular country association.

After work a group of people headed to the ever reliable Franklin Tap for a few end of the day cocktails. Once seated, the random conversations spun from one subject to the next, eventually landing on Zima, the discontinued malt liquor often seen in television and movies. The ensuing conversation is seen below:

Coworker #1: Ahhh Zima was so good.

Sardine: Are you kidding? Zima is STILL so good!

Coworker #1: Ummm they discontinued it…

Sardine: No, they still have it on Family Guy!

Coworker #1: Yea, and Family Guy is a cartoon. There are talking dinosaurs on cartoons, but you don’t see any of those strolling around, do ya?

Sunday afternoon while driving back from Wisconsin with a friend, I stopped at a highway oasis for a scrumptious vanilla milkshake. As we pulled out of the parking lot, I found myself convinced that proceeding forward would put us on the wrong side of the highway, and lead us back to WI. With this in mind I said, “Stop, you are going the wrong way!” My friend quickly reminded me that we were at a highway oasis, so there is only one way to go. Doii, I’m such a sardine!

I say Oscars, you say Academy Awards...

I’m going to throw it out there and say I was very pleasantly surprised with the list of Oscar winners from last night’s awards.  With that said, I was even happier with the list of losers! Of course, my favorite loser of the bunch was Up in the Air. A horrible compilation of boring, useless, and utterly stupid, Up in the Air didn’t deserve the 6 plus nominations let alone an actual golden statue. I enjoyed this loss almost as much as the look on the faces of Dreamboat Clooney and his dumb as rocks GF. Simply priceless.  Another proud loser came in the form yet another overrated Tarantino film, Inglorious Bastards. I was more than okay with Christoph Waltz winning for best supporting actor, but if Nazi Mania had won in a more credible category I may have vomited directly through my television and onto some innocent bystander such as Gabourey Sidibe (Precious), or even poor little Zac Efron.  Untill next year, loved the dresses, loved the show, and still despise Kathy Ireland. 

You a rude boy...

Dear Rihanna,

I desperately hope you do not write you own lyrics. If you do, there may be a reasonable explanation for the physical actions taken by a certain ex-boyfriend of yours. :cough: Chris Brown :cough:

Sincerely,
Sardine


As you all know, Chris Brown was arrested last year for brutally assaulting his famous, now ex-girlfriend Rihanna. I have recently come to the realization that although there is no excuse for domestic violence, this particular island beauty may have brought it on herself. Rihannah’s newest song, entitled Rude Boy, albeit catchy, seems to provide insight into Mr. Chris Brown’s anger management issues. The lyrics might as well be quotes out of a “Dominatrix for Dummies” booklet or “A Women’s guide to Acting Manly.” Get is straight RiRi, you are a beautiful and feminine individual. What happened to “Pon de Replay” or “So live your life, ay oh ayy oh ayy oh?”

In case you haven’t heard the newest addition to the Def Jam repertoire, I am prepared to provide you with some lyrical examples from this Rude Boy creation. Take this line, “Do you like it boy… I wa-wa-want, what you wa-wa-want. Give it to me baby. Like boom, boom, boom…” This seems like a demand straight out of a Peter North/Ron Jeremy “film.” Come on people, did we learn nothing from the Eminem lawsuits? Yes, the universe is going to take your lyrics literal! Another example of unwanted lyrics, and a personal favorite, “Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking. No, no…,” is in reality quite horrible to say to a man. In my experience of ehhh 3 years give or take, men do not take the issue of inadequacy very easily. If his tricks and treats aren’t doing anything for you FAKE IT, or at least boost his confidence with a few overarching moans.

Now hear me out. I do not mean to rag on the pop power Rihanna holds, but maybe Def Jam should think about the consequences of their lyric choice before they present them to an assault victim. I mean… really now.

Additional poetry...

Gossip

Killer, sweet and slow, irresistible.

Torment and tragedy. Split.

What he’s thinking, then and WOW.

Life & Death, addicted to plastic surgery.

Mind tricks. Cocktails kill you in your sleep.

Over the edge.

Fairytale wedding, quick and dirty.

Gone to far? She wants more.

Exclusive, desperate…

Gossip.

Inglorious bastard… yes singular…

With the Oscar night right around the corner, I finally found a moment to sit down with a warm blanket, pop in Inglorious Bastards, and see what all the fuss is about. Ohh, don’t worry, fuss I did; throughout the ENTIRE film. Maybe it was that I came into the movie with extremely overrated expectations or that I had been patiently waiting to see Quentin’s latest flick since it was in theaters, but either way I was left with a feeling of utter disappointment when the credits rolled. The mix of tedious subtitles, puzzling plotlines, and Brad Pitts over acting caused an explosion of disgust to swell in my stomach. If it weren’t for Mr. Brangelina’s good looks I have a feeling my pointer finger would have ventured to the power button right after the Laurent family massacre.  I’m sorry Tarantino, but you really blew it with this one. Maybe you need to make another zombie flick? 

I am the world...

So I caved, I bought the “We Are the World 25 for Haiti” song and video combo on iTunes. I have mixed feelings about this revamped version of Michael Jacksons tune, but overall feel that because it is for a good cause, it deserves my thumbs up. With that said here is my view on the production.

The song starts with little Justin Beiber melting our heart like a curious Carebear. Has he even taken a Geography class yet? Does he know where Haiti is? Either way my heart transformed into a puddle of love. The video continues on with various solos, including a performance by Jennifer Hudson’s lips. They should have named it 26 for Haiti and included those smackers.  I do appreciate the strong beauty of her voice, and have to give it to a girl from the Chi. Hudson is followed by the transcending voice of Jennifer Nettles, whom I present with the WAW25H MVP award. Throughout the show her smile and voice shine above the rest. Another solo performance is offered up by the strip-tastic Miley Cyrus. Of course Miley is included in the all-star cast. I mean, she can’t let the Jo Bro’s do anything alone. Speaking of the Jonas Brothers, throughout the video their performance seems truly heartfelt, along those of Wyclef, Mary J, Akon, and the Pussy… Cat Doll.  Another notable mention of the video is the addition of MJ clips. His appearance allows the video to act as a tribute to him as well as to the people of Haiti.

I have three favorite parts of the show. The first was when half of the cast, lead by LL, burst into rap. This unexpected moment forced me to chuckle. I couldn’t take the 10 or so rappers seriously because nearly half of them were wearing sunglasses… indoors!?! I mean the simple donation of those 7 pairs of sunglasses, along with Fergie’s designer duds, would easily equal a large portion of the donation. A second highlight I found was Julianne Hough’s facial expression. Besides one slight smile, her face seems to show utter disinterest every time the camera scans the choir. I wanted to say, “no one is forcing you to contribute JH, go home.” The third highlight goes to Pink for her uplifting solo. I was able to feel the hurt behind her voice, and believe in the words she sang.

All in all, $2.99 is a small price to pay in turn for 6 minutes and 45 seconds of star-studded entertainment. I am left asking one question, "Where's John Mayer?"

God bless the people of Haiti, and lets all pray that J. Beiber aces that next geography test. 

What's in a word... A lot...

Now five weeks into my previously mentioned poetry class, I feel it is time to share with you my progress. Each week I sit in class forced to read my work, and each week I am consumed with the feeling of underachievement. The majority of my classmates seem to be fully enthused with sharing their emotions through the written word, while all I can seem to do is write witty cynicisms. Trying to put my best foot forward, I have come up with a small variety of poems that I feel, with some slight alterations, may be considered poetry. See below…

Stream of Consciousness

Winter is cold, like a running nose or a watering eye. Winter can cross you like an angry friend or bad haircut. Man I need a haircut, almost as bad as I need my warm bed, or a tissue for this dripping nose.

I wish I were at the lake, with all of its kindness. Geneva, the getaway. Relax into a burning sunset and let my mind drown far below the surface.

Is it summer yet?

The thought of summer makes me want ice cream and sunscreen. The smell of sunscreen in summer trumps any other. A bakery in fall, pine needles at Christmas. Sunscreen. I find myself using it in winter, for the feeling, the scent, rather than the protection. My house has a scent you can feel too. A mix of cinnamon, my mother, fresh sheets, and birthdays.

6:02am and on the train again

The mornings commute blue with irritation and odd people

All things are possible in the silence and cold, the day’s book has not been written

How I wish it was different, the mornings city, the mornings light, its sound

If only the sun were up or the smell would change.

On the train once again.

Texting Inspiration: @ u, I LOL

At you, I laugh out loud

The silly jokes, and bedtime whispers

The movie quotes, and dinner mishaps

The crazy antics, and bad karaoke

Your dorky interests, and boyish charm

The love, the laughter, the romance

At you, I laugh out loud