Maybe try to smile with your mouth closed?...

"I really hate people who have tiny teeth and BIG gums. I mean it isn't their fault, but why can't they smile with their mouth closed?"


Okay, time to be a little rude. Have you ever seen those people who have gums that seem to OVERPOWER their mouths? You know, their teeth look like they had been popped out of an American Girl doll and pushed straight up into a grown adult’s mouth? It is plain weird.


It has been my experience that these unfortunate individuals either smile far too much considering the circumstances, or are the ones who can’t ever stop talking. In reality they, more than anyone else, should realize that their teeth are freakishly small and I don’t know? Smile with their mouth shut? Use one of these memo pads that mutes use?

I completely understand that it is not their fault for having this odd physical trait, but maybe they should all consider some type of oral surgery. Better yet, they should take a few weeks to practice smiling and talking in front of a mirror. Hey, beauty queens do it all the time.

Prince Charming or a Grade A Douche...

I wanted to continue my rant on celebrity arrogance with another prime example of a prideful musician. I am talking about a certain tall, dark, and handsome guitarist who has seemingly won the right to act as though he is one with the Gods. You guessed it, John Mayer. Mr. Mayer, an avid serial dater, with a knack for extravagance has wooed young women all across the world. Yes, Mayer is an amazing musician. I have experienced firsthand how he woos crowds by not only playing but also caressing his guitar. Along with his sexual performances, Mayer seems to have a way of speaking about all subject matters as if he were a Roman philosopher. He maintains the ability to turn a small event such as a trip to McDonalds into a philosophical experience. Although with that bod, I’m sure his late night McD’s trips are few and far between.

Along with his unique talents, bluesy alternative music, and prince charming good looks, Mayer is known for his love of material things and alleged neglect of girlfriends. As you all know John has had ongoing relations with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, along with various other Hollywood beauties. The media has reported all of these relationships ending poorly due to Mayer’s selfish demeanor. In my opinion the poor guy needs to get a clue. I mean JESSICA SIMPSON?!?! She may, on occasion, act as dumb as a hunk of clay, but she is one of the most beautiful people in the world. Okay, maybe not the world, but definitely the greater L.A. area. Ohhh, and don’t even get me started with Jennifer Aniston, he sure messed that one up royally. No matter how “hot” he thinks (or knows) he is Mayer could use a relationship session with Dr. Phil.

Long story short, one lesson we can all learn from Johnny boy is that although you may be able to get away with acting like a grade A douche, you will undoubtedly get some kickback from fans and journalists alike. Check out this article on Details.com. I greatly enjoyed Steve Daly’s interview with our beloved pop “God”.

E! Online, the new CNN...

"That's weird because I almost never press F5 when I am on a website. Then again, I guess E! Online only need refreshing every few hours."

The website I work for has had a major cacheing problem for the past couple of weeks. This has caused me to press F5 8,000,000,000,001 times per day to judge if the site has updated or not. When discussing this with my boss one morning, I brought up the fact that our general viewers would most likely not be aware of the need to press F5 in order to update the content. I mean who refreshes the webpage they are viewing unless it didn't load correctly? To my surprise, she quickly replied that she in fact refreshes CNN.com often in order to view the most recent top stories. I thought to myself "CNN.com? wtf?, why would you waste your time with that garbage when there are sites such as TMZ and E!??" Just one more example of my innocence.

Get around round round, I get around...

"Even I know who Bryan Adams is!?! The Beach Boys had some really great songs."

During similar situation to below in  Ahhh Tomato, Tomatoe... an office conversation about celebrity knowledge was being held around 7:15am. The night before a coworker had witnessed a 37 year old who had no recollection of who Bryan Adams was. Bryan Adams, as I'm sure you all know, is a Canadian rock artist know for hits such as "Everything I Do" and "Summer of '69." Unfortunately when the name Bryan Adams popped into my half asleep head I recognized it as Brian Wilson, the lead singer of the infamous Beach Boys. Because I precede the ages of my coworkers by an average of 10 years, this statement was followed by many surprised faces as well as chuckles at my innocence. As you would expect, I laughed right along with them clearly still confused on who the hell "Bryan Adams" was. 

Ahhh Tomato, Tomatoe...

"Ohhh yes. Of course I know George Micheal. He's the guy on Rock of Love!"

While discussing information gaps between various generations in the office one morning, my co-workers and I stumbled upon the topic of well-known celebrities of each era.  Apparently Lucy Glib had ran into a bit of a scuffle at her euker game the previous night due to some "Gen Y'er" who didn't know who George Michael was.  Being the only Gen Y in the room, Lucy turns to me and says, "you know who George Michael is right?" Without hesitation I quickly respond, in my most valley-girl-esk attitude, "Ohhh yes. Of course I know George Micheal. He's the guy on Rock of Love!" Needless to say, a blank stare quickly consumed Lucy's face as she reflected on my statement...

NOTE:

         George Michael: According to wikipedia (another folly of my youth), is a English singer-songwriter, most famous for his participation in the musical duo Wham!, as well as for a successful solo career in which he sold over 100 million records worldwide.

Not to be confused with...

       Bret Michaels: Lead vocalist of metal band Poison and star of VH1's Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.

Are you a Dum Dum, or just a sucker?...

How many Dum-Dums can one person eat in a day? I mean they are so little, the second one's deliciousness touches my tongue it is gone."

Unfortunately Dum-Dums have become the underdog, the Rudy, the shall I say "suckers", of the of the lolly pop world. No one says "how many licks to the center of a Dum-Dum?" The say "gosh, this bank gets cheaper and cheaper by the day. They can't even afford safety suckers anymore"

I find it hard to understand why such a minuscule piece of hard candy needs the convenience of being attached to a small stick. As for me, if a simple nugget of hard candy will fit comfortably in your mouth, why eat it any other way?

Hair today, gone tomorrow...

"All combovers should be "Jackassed" (buzzed), period. Done and Done."

There are numerous professors at Loyola University Chicago who need to seriously re-evaluate their choice of hairstyle. In my opinion a "combover" is NOT a hairstyle it is a sad camouflage for ones growing age. When in the aging process does one think to themselves, “all I have to do is simply part my hair, or lack thereof, far to one side and use it as a throw blanket for my old cue ball.”?

*Note: If you are and ISOM332 professor, this post could be about you!

"EL" stands for "Elevated", get it straight...

"You know those people on the El who make it so you'd rather stand then have to sit next to them? Man I am glad not to be one of them."

The thing about this post is EVERYONE agrees. I mean the only good thing about being one of these sad individuals who are far to dirty, old or weird looking is that, hey, they get two seats to themselves!!

At least Kanye has true "swagger"...

"I feel like attractive people are allowed to be arrogant... That's the rules. As long as you have what it takes to back your attitude up."

Okay yes, I SAID IT! Some people deserve the right to be arrogant pricks. Kayne West is a prime example. Along with being attractive and talented he is an amazing performer! Heck, I didn't see any of you producing smash hits like "Workout Plan" and "Homecoming". So who really cares if he stole the spotlight from a little 16 year old Swift? He makes a living by entertaining people, and I for one was definitely entertained by the "imma let you finish" speech.

To all you assholes in the world I give you one piece of advice... BACK YOUR SHIT UP. If you are going to prance around like you are better than the rest of us, make sure you are. And that means in every sense of the word better... richer, smarter, thinner, prettier, wittier, hotter, sexier, better dressed, styled, stacked etc...

G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero

"We only had one G.I. Joe growing up... I don't think we played with it. It just sat in the barbie bucket."

After overhearing a conversation regarding G.I Joe, I remembered a tidbit from my childhood. I had a large, and I mean large, collection of Mattel (MAT) Barbie Dolls. The only difference between my collection of Barbies, and the normal adolescent girls was that they we kept in a bucket, yes, a bucket. This bucket was actually an old purple laundry tub that my mom donated to the cause of keeping my 8x8 room free of clutter.

Long story short poor Joey boy was stuck in a purple brothel of blonde bitches. Welp, hope he enjoyed it ;)

The Sardine Experience

Have you ever had one of those moments where an idea comes to mind and immediately spews out of your mouth? Ya know, it is what some refer to as "Word Vomit?" Well, this is a common, even daily, occurrence for me. The Daily Sardine is a recollection of these events, and while entertaining you, will attempt to provide a knowledgeable explanation of each particular quote.

The Daily Sardine is founded on two beliefs... not everyone is created equal, and if you believe in something, express it. There will always be someone who's in agreement.

*You may not like the opinions and statements shared in this blog, but man you will definitely enjoy them.