Zombieland...

This past weekend, while in a state of inebriation, I had the pleasure of watching the comical yet slightly disturbing movie, Zombieland. The movie is based on a young man from Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) trying to make his way back to Ohio with the “help” of a gun slinging redneck (Woody Harrelson) from Tallahassee. Throughout the film Columbus enlightens us to a list of rules he has devised in order to survive Zombieland. The entire list of 33 regulations is not provided during the movie, but the audience does receive upwards of 17 statutes. These include #1: Cardio, #4 Wear Seatbelts, #21: Avoid Strip Clubs, #31: Check the Backseat, and, a personal favorite, #8: Get a Kickass Partner, hence the presence of Tallahassee. Below is the full list offered up throughout the film…

#1.Cardio #2.Double Tap #3.Beware of Bathrooms #4.Wear Seatbelts #6.Cast Iron Skillet #7.Travel Light #8.Get a Kickass Partner #12.Bounty Paper Towels #15.Bowling Ball #17.(Don’t) be a Hero #18.Limber Up #21.Avoid Strip Clubs #22.When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out #29.The Buddy System #31.Check the Back Seat #32.Enjoy the Little Things #33.Swiss Army Knife

From the beginning of the movie I felt the urge to make my own list of rules. Not necessarily a list on how to survive in a world that has been completely overrun by flesh eating monsters, but possibly some other social setting that causes angst for citizens of our great world. I then realized that I had a duty to the universe. A duty to share what I have learned during the endless hours I spend ‘out.’ Below is my list of rules for surviving various bars, saloons, pubs and clubs …

#1. Cardio – dance like its Madonna’s last show, and be prepared to run away from the guy who bought you that first tequila shot.

#2. Double Tap – never attend a bar that doesn’t have at least a double tap. No double tap, no beer.

#3. Beware of Bathrooms – do not touch ANYTHING in the bathrooms. Don’t be fooled. Even a powder room that seems up to sanitary standards probably isn’t. Think quickies, monthly gifts, and the ever-present vom monster.

#4. Wear Jeans – a skirt might seem like a good idea when looking in the mirror, but it’ll have quite a different look when you are dancing atop the bar after that 3^rd tequila shot.

#6. Cast Iron Skillet – food is a necessity. The more you eat the easier it will be in the morning. Note: McDonald’s is your best friend.

#7. Travel Light – obvi, just a clutch gal. You do not need a bundle of powder or lipstick. Guys get ‘beer goggles’ for a reason. Make the best of it!

#8. Get a Kickass Partner – everyone needs a good wingman… wingwomen.

#12. Bounty Paper Towels – vodka tonics shattered across the dance floor won’t help your moves, promise. (see rule #1)

#15. Bowling Ball – true, betting is a great form of flirting. However, if you bring a personal ball to Lucky Strike, you will definitely be ‘striking’ out.

#17. (Don’t) be a Hero – Guys, fighting over a girl is déclassé. Win her heart with shots of liquor, not left hooks to a strangers jaw.

#18. Limber Up – get ready for a marathon of a night. Drinking, dancing, screaming, fighting, drinking, dancing... night cap ‘wink wink.’ Remember to stretch well in advance.

#21. Avoid Strip Clubs – enough said.

#22. When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out – always have an escape plan. You never know when an ex will corner you. In this case get yourself out first, once safe, contact wingman.

#29. The Buddy System – remember you have a wingman for a reason. They are an unlimited scapegoat. Take advantage, and stay in pairs.

#31. Check the back seat – rookie mistake to leave your phone, purse, coat, even date in the back of a cab. I urge you, check the backseat.

#32. Enjoy the Little Things – shots, wings, fries etc.

#33. Swiss Army Knife – ya never know when you’ll need to snip a stray thread, pluck your eyebrows (beware of rule #3), or give guys wondering hands a true warning.

…By now you have undoubtedly noticed that only 1 of the original rules was changed in order to relate this list to a social drinking environment. I though this was my chance to offer truly uplifting insights into real life situations and help shy singles all over, but it’s done. The list is done. What does that tell us? That night after night we voluntarily step in to a ‘Zombieland’ of sorts for fun? Hey, if the end of the world is going to be like one giant bar party… count me in! Shots. shots. shots. shots.